I had a body. I was aware of it at least. I could constantly see it, could move my hands, feet or whatever was needed (no acrobatics involved).
They say, I still have it. At least there were no noticeable changes to claim that I don’t have one anymore.
Ever tried living outside your body? You are right, it’s impossible. Existence? Probably. Not living.
It may look the same, it probably does. But you are not there. You exist..keep moving,participating in the life around you, thinking. But you are not present.
It’s hard. Hard to realise that sometimes you don’t know who you are, that you don’t feel anything or don’t believe in any memories you have. Hard to keep acting cool when all you have are bare facts about the person you are or, if to be more correct, whose body you are using at the moment.
Stopping for a moment. No breathing. Feeling the heart go “boom-boom..boom….boom”. Hear that rhythm, become it. Moveless.
Who am I?.. Where?.. Why?..
Start breathing. Slowly. Cautiously. Deeper and deeper. Feel your body. Part by part.
It’s been a long time.. Not even trying to make this my New Year’s resolution, actually I don’t even remember what it is all about.
Kind of weird to read all those posts of long ago, was it really me? Prefer to leave it all behind and see what I can come up with.
If only it was that easy, to just let my fingers go and come up with something more or less readable.
Have you ever waited? Just watching the time pass, frozen, moveless..just waiting? It’s not about microwaves or buses but real waiting.. Waking up hoping to see the change, paying attention to all those useless details just to be sure not to miss “it”.
Waiting for what? If you ask that question then you don’t know what it is like, lucky bastard.
Change? Push?.. Something. Yes, something. It’s not about laziness or lack of motivation. Sometimes we just need a spark, a kick.
So here I am, waiting for my kick.
Maybe there’s no more need..was there ever any?
You can leave..go…like you have never existed..as everyone will. Isn’t life just a matter of coming and leaving? Who cares about staying when we are just aimed to depart again?
How to know…that it’s time to stay? Time to stop? To actually start living? How to know that there will be no more bye’s..no more regrets and memories…will be just reality..
How to know?
Maybe there’s no such thing as perfect life…everyone has their own vision of what the perfect life is like. Maybe the whole life’s aim is to find the one to share your perfect life vision with?
You know what my vision of the perfect life is? It’s..to be free..in your thoughts and desires..To be able to turn..to change..Whenever I want and however I want..To do what you like..but not just one particular thing..To change, combine and invent..To love and to be loved..To love the life in general and yourself at every single moment..To be free..To leave what you don’t want behind and move to what you love..Not to be bothered with what you don’t need..To be able to erase people you don’t need and keep on discovering new ones..new places..new activities and just miracles everywhere around..Just to live with no boundaries..
Some people can really find it in the daily routine..Can really love their office jobs despite the tiredness and whatever else.
It’s not about the thing we do but the way we feel about it.
Do you remember your dreams? For me one of the best ways to fall asleep is just trying to recall the dreams I had before. Even if I remember just few details from each, somehow they become bigger…The picture grows and I find myself in the middle of the world I’d been to once before. It’s really shocking to see the picture coming alive…it’s pretty like making a movie from an old black&white photo.
What if..What if the dreams we see aren’t really just products of our imagination? What if we see real events from the part of other people? No matter how irrational the world and events in the dream look, you can never tell this couldn’t happen in another universe. What if we are actually living the lives of others every night? What if others live our life? Maybe this thought is way to weird..
Just..what if? This is just some weird stuff that came to my mind but..In the dreams we have memories, special skills and feelings and so on..so practically a new personality..What if our real life is also a sort of dream?
They say when you are dying you see the whole life passing in front of your eyes..all highs and falls..you are to experience everything before you disappear completely.
I haven’t seen it. I just fell into one endless black hole..No escape, no way out…Feeling the darkness filling you…Getting used to nothing. Just endless darkness. You are nothing and mean nothing. Had I ever existed? I was nothing. One endless night without dreams. Just darkness. I vanished, disappeared. I was nothing.
Is death like that? Just..disappearing? Or was it just a medium stage..a tunnel to another life? Could it be like Alice’s falling to Wonderland? Or these are just the fairy tales we relax ourselves with?
Why was it a black hole? Where’s my life’s slide show? Had my life been that useless and miserable, not even worth a single memory to appear? Is it still like that?
Is it a purpose of our lives..to make the best presentation? Who are we to show-off in front of?
Still there’s just a black hole. Endless darkness.
There are so many things I want to say, to write..so many unsaid words..they are stuck in my mind..and I can’t let them go. Sometimes they happen to leave..But is it for good? If they were meant to be said at some particular time, is it good to use them now? To release them so..carelessly?
Thousands of unsaid phrases..unshowed emotions..deep inside. Is it good to release them?.. They say, it’s better to share and speak aloud..not to keep them, not to let them bother you endlessly. As for me, It’s just a way to take a break, but there’s no real solution.
Words and actions, memories and..guilt. Unsaid words that were created and..kept. Will there ever be the opportunity to use them? I don’t think so. The world isn’t constant and missed moments would never come back. There could be chances but they would differ and the result is more than just unpredictable..Though it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.
The only thing that we are to remember is not to use these words and actions in the wrong way, with others…Once meant for something or somebody it already has its reflection..Find other words, other ways..make it different. Why to complicate the net of memories and emotions inside even more by connecting what wasn’t meant to be connected? Let the brand-new start be actually brand-new.
Words aren’t just a combination of letters we use to express ourselves. It’s more than that. That’s probably the reason we have so many synonyms. Nothing is clear and plain. We are to make our words fit our thoughts, not on the opposite. So if the thoughts and feelings differ..change the way you express yourself.
But what actually happen to those unsaid words? Is there a way to get rid of them?
Write what was meant to be said. What is to be said. To get rid of them. Write to find rest.
Keep writing even if those words won’t find the real addressee, I just give them a chance to.